pugnax

(question)
Help me figure this one out: why are men such douche-drizzling assholes? — Wish I Ate Pussy Instead

(answer)
The only reason you think men are assholes — douche-drizzlers at that — is because you fuck men, WIAPI, and so it’s men who have hurt your feelings and fucked you over. If you ate pussy, you’d be fucking women and women would be stomping on your heart and you’d quickly come to hate women. And if you were a straight man, you’d be complaining about women; and if you were a fag, you’d be complaining about men; and if you were bisexual, you’d be complaining about everyone and everything.

So try to have some perspective and cut men some slack and hang in there, okay? They drizzle douche, for sure. But so do you — so do we all.

(question)
You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. Lacking other resources at this particular moment, I have decided to write to you. I am a twenty-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all twenty-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, a rock in the times of storm, and above all a home to return to when I have lost my path. In the teachings of my particular religion, to indulge the particular desires I am experiencing will condemn me to fates too grotesque to mention. I am rational enough to realize that there is no way that I can “pray away” these desires. My question is this: how does one prepare for a life of celibacy and solitude (as that is what is required of me to remain a member of this particular faith)? Based off of what my friend has told me, I know you have little respect for religious practices and beliefs. However, these desires are not exactly something I can talk about with other members of my spiritual community. And while I am currently seeking counseling related to other issues, I was wondering what a so-called expert on sex and sexuality would have to say.

— Clever Acronyms Escape Me

(response)

Get over yourself, faggot.

If it’s possible for you to act on your unnamed-but-easily-identified desires in an ethical manner — if you desire to do whatever it is you desire to do with consenting adults who desire to take their turn doing it to you — this so-called expert on sexuality thinks you should crawl down off that cross and find yourself a boyfriend already. (“Pray away” the gay? I’m guessing you’re Christian, probably Catholic.) And if you experience a moment’s anxiety the first time you stick your ass in the air — pull the Jesus stick out first! — just remind yourself that things have been crawling on top of each other and madly humping away for 850 million years. Sex came first, then humanity (200,000ish years ago,) then religion came along tens of thousands of years after that. Which may explain why religion, when pitted against sex (really old) and human nature (pretty old), always loses. Always.

If you’re on the cross, CAEM, it’s because you put yourself up there. Which means you’re not some poor mortal trapped between a cosmic rock and an existential hard place; you’re just another closeted cocksucker with a martyr complex.

Look, kiddo, you get one life, one chance at happiness. If it gives you a spiritual semi to fantasize about a God who created you gay but forbids you to act on your emotional and sexual attraction to men, knock your damn self out. But you can have a boyfriend and Jesus, too — look at the pope — you just have to do what people have been doing since the first terrified idiot invented the first bullshit religion: improvise. Find yourself a brand-new religion or sect, or jettison the bits of your current faith that don’t work for you. If you know anything about the history of Christianity — and it sounds like you don’t — then you know that the revisions began before the body was cold. No reason to stop now.

And finally, CAEM, there is no God — you do realize that, right? No hell below us, above us only sky, etc.